This is my first ever attempt at making an image set or comic, let alone anything involving hardcore sex so go easy, but constructive criticism is very well appreciated!

The background is mostly black because my shitty 2014 MacBook Pro wouldn't handle anything more than what you see, so I hope this still looks alright

I opted to make the narration and speech look like subtitles because I didn't want to detract from the visuals, also tried my absolute best to make it as LEAST cringey as possible haha, hope I managed to achieve that.

tl;dr - I'm still learning so forgive the mistakes! Cheers everyone!

Meh, the art is between fine and bad. I assume you already know this. The white backgrounds have to go. So does the white suit effect. There is some - SOME - uniqueness to the art that can at times make it compelling. I doubt you chose that image for the thumbnail on a whim.

The subtitles... look, that's not how this works. Stop putting them everywhere around the page. Keep near the bottom of the image and if you must use multiple colors just use two. You don't have that many characters, there is no need to use text in, what is it? four, five different formats and colors? Also relating to the text itself, keep it short. Some of these have too much text while others are bereft of it. In comic books they say you should use no more then 25 words per panel and since every image/page is a panel here...

The story is, well, you should probably storyboard this and have a script for the whole thing before you start rendering these next time. Especially if you're going to take my advice on limiting how much text each page is going to end up having.

Rooms would be nice. Really nice. As it is, this isn't post apocalyptic as much as it's post heat death of the universe. And the white backgrounds, look, I get it, they're supposed to signify day but come on.

The last 15 slides should probably be redone, you really let is slip there, then again the whole sex thing doesn't really work, and I don't mean storywise, well, not just storywise.

EDIT: and before I forget, you should change the language in the description, currently it's set as Japanese.

Last edited on 20 April 2018, 04:54.

Base +9, rambo voller +8

Thank you for sharing this. I really enjoy that <3

Base +6

@Lexander - Cheers for the comment, appreciate the honesty. I guess I have a lot to work on, I'll keep in mind everything you've said. Again, not trying to make a terrible excuse but I just can't render a room or anything on this laptop, each scene took a good 20-30 mins as is. Thanks again mate, I'll work harder at it next time.

Base +2, Lethronyx +6

I like the story, Rachel is hot. but next time you should use bit more light. For me the sex scene is short. I miss the creampie ending. And a possible impregnation would be a good idea. Cant for the second chapter.

Base +1

Pro tip: Leep you hads as far away from your body as possible when writing dialogue. Seriously, trust me on that one.
I keep finding these TXT files all over my system that make me question my sanity.... well, more than usual.

Base +6