This writing style is a bit too superfluous. Not every line of dialog needs to attach so many adjectives to how it was said, with frequent reflections from the narrator and continual descriptions of minor body movements. Page 5 is a good example of this stuff.

"Brittney put her homework down on the coffee table and brushed her long brown hair behind her shoulders."

The momentum of the dialog is getting killed with throwaway lines like this. If you removed every line like this, the story would be half as long and twice as fast paced.

It's good writing by the way, the substance is solid, it just needs better pacing, at least for my tastes.

Base +5, Zeiz -6, JorgOfAncrath +6

我tm社保，，，

Base +16

The story line and added imagery is way better than any hentai storyline. Hentai is ooops you bent over time to get my rape on

Base +6, Zeiz +6