I see this is your first translation, so some mistakes are inevitable. I'd recommend reading this for advice: http://www.insidescanlation.com/etc/The-Idiots-Guide-to-Editing-Manga/guide/main.html

A few of the bigger pieces of advice:

I recommend using a more standard font, like Wild Words.

I recommend Outlining text that won't fit in a text box, rather than just putting it in a white rectangle (e.g. page 4)

You left two text boxes blank on page 16.

You should translate hand-drawn text (e.g. page 18 bottom left). You can use a different font like "Augie" or "I want my TTR!" for these.

Finally, I'm not sure if you're using a machine translator, not a native english speaker, or both, but you really need to proofread your script. Page 5 as you've written it doesn't really make sense in the context of the story. That's because you've written it entirely as Reisen talking to herself, while in fact the larger middle panel bubble and the smaller lower panel bubble are from Eirin.

Eirin is (basically) saying "Good grief. Instead of crying to me, can't you just use your hypnosis ability on somebody to blow off some steam?" in the middle panel, and on the bottom panel is saying "Of course, that's a crime, so you shouldn't actually do it... She's not listening is she?".

While a misspelling or grammar error can be forgiven, this kind of error significantly harms a reader's ability to comprehend a story.

All of this is meant in the spirit of constructive criticism, and I do hope you continue to improve as a translator.

Base +7, Daishogun +7, brian10103 +6, ktkwon00 +8, AriesWarlock +13, Zelinko +9, BZFS +6, qazmlpok +23, SonicBlu +6, sable1 +23, TakashiTM +6, BustahWoluf +16, sigmarc +7, and 12 more...

this is great

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