Author - あいの
Pixiv Profile - https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/33741779
Support - https://acilealaulica.fanbox.cc/

Some of your text bubbles are empty (p.3 and p.6). Also, you 100% need a proofreader because this reads like ESL English.

every page: missing periods
p.1 we've arrived => "we're here" just sounds more natural.
p.2 she won't waking up => wake up
p.3 I'll be in trouble, if you don't wake up => remove the comma, add a period
p.8 what a paid of lewd, tits => remove comma
p.9 did you like that? didn't you? => You liked that, didn't you? but actually i'm pretty sure he's referring to the future, not the past here. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
p.10 cuming
p.11 on your free time => "in" or "when you have some free time."

edit:

p.3 I'll be in trouble, if you don't wake up => remove the comma, add a period AT THE END of the sentence lmao. not in the middle of it.

Last edited on 26 May 2022, 05:40.

Base +16, CaptainFlint +6, fearsomesniper +6, waltergeist +10, dankestdungeon +22, castle03 +5, kanekivantas +7, darkrider1 +9, pkplat +12, Glovelove. +19, blaqkthespian +6, 海想列車 +23, Noporitano +1, and 1 more...

@cutegyaru Fixed , Thank You For your Help.

Base +6, fearsomesniper +6, waltergeist +10, sagato00 +7, pesc +8

So was it just a dream?

Base +6, StratoSquir +6, 海想列車 +23, Ice_Cream +13

@theUserNam3

A wild imagination if it was

Base +7, 海想列車 +23, Ice_Cream +13, pesc +8

[this comment was deleted]

Last edited on 25 May 2024, 22:53.

Base +6