Wanted to fap to this without having to squint at kanji.

My first time translating a full 20 page book. Feedback is much appreciated!
Hopefully I did a pretty good job with this. While I am fairly confident, it's always nice getting a little reassurance. If anyone does find anything to be unsatisfactory, I'll review and make an update.

The recap page may be inaccurate as I’ve yet to read the previous books and my knowledge of fate is iffy. If it’s off then I’ll update the page after I’ve read the other books in the series and have developed a better understanding of what the hell “asmodeus” is supposed to be. Don’t expect translations of those other books to come out too quickly but I can promise I do want to make sure there’s a quality translation of the whole series available at some point. Might also do some other Sakura Yuki books too while I’m at it.

Skipped over much of the sound effects and various cries because... the amount of time I'd have to spend redrawing... not to mention, sounds really don't translate well. However if anyone would really appreciate knowing a little more of what's going on sound wise then please make it known and I might go over and fill in the sounds some more, even just with zero redrawing and direct romanization.
Also, if anyone wants me to upload my leveled and textless files lmk.

Page 5 fixed.

Source links:
Raw /g/1421146/2772831ec7/
Pixiv https://www.pixiv.net/artworks/72232751
Melonbooks https://www.melonbooks.co.jp/detail/detail.php?product_id=456386

Sakura Yuki (咲良ゆき) artist links:
Website https://www.sakulayuki.net/
Pixiv https://www.pixiv.net/users/1661253
Pixiv Fanbox https://sakulayuki.fanbox.cc/
Twitter https://twitter.com/sakula_yuki
Alt Twitter https://twitter.com/sakula_puni
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sakula_yuki/
Melonbooks https://www.melonbooks.co.jp/search/search.php?name=%E5%92%B2%E8%89%AF%E3%82%86%E3%81%8D
Fanza https://www.dmm.co.jp/dc/doujin/-/list/=/article=maker/id=79221/
DLsite https://www.dlsite.com/maniax/fsr/=/keyword_work_name/%E6%A2%B1%E5%8C%85%E5%B0%91%E5%A5%B3+SRI0000024361/ana_flg/all/order/release_d/from/work.series
Booth https://sakula-yuki.booth.pm/
Line Store https://store.line.me/emojishop/product/632d7121ecf4cb65d57eafc1/ja
Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/sakula_yuki
Youtube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMAllNJl2iHOwPBavpx4Ywg

Shinkai Dennou Rakudo E.RA.BB Series:
Shinkai Dennou Rakudo E.RA.BB (1) /g/1118448/e645e6f7a4/ (Raw)
Shinkai Dennou Rakudo E.RA.BB Sono Ni (2) /g/1203959/fe4f173285/ (Raw)
Sennou Inmon Kangoku MA/STER (2.5) /g/1283296/fc9e9844c6/ (Raw)
Shinkai Dennou Rakudo E.RA.BB Sono San (3) /g/2524681/0bbb70fdde/ (Translated - You are here)
Shinkai Dennou Rakudo E.RA.BB Soushuuhen (4) /g/1803438/6144981c93/ (Raw)

hey man, pretty good work on this one, the only things that stuck out to me mostly were the typesetting and editing. I mean, it looks like you had a lot of fun, but I think you went a bit overboard in some bits. Mainly the leading of the text. It kinda looks like you put the text in line by line instead of just having it boxed or paragraphed. Like it's more than okay to have a line break if the sentences in a single bubble carry different emphasis, but some of those line breaks are like yawning chasms. It makes it kinda distracting and hard to read. As well, I know doing oohs and aah are a pain in the ass, but only doing select SFX like that is a bit jarring, especially when they're on the same page.

There's also the issue of grammar and punctuation. Commas and periods are pretty sparse and there's a few awkward sentences and misspelt words, like on page 5 you wrote "habbit". Give the hearts their own line too please, they deserve it.

Also try not sticking to Japanese sentence structure too much. You don't have to adhere having the originals text in the same bubble, move it around so it sounds more natural in English.

Page 17. avoid left-aligned text always, it's cringe.

Still though, good work for just your second upload. You can really see a lot of passion and effort put into this, great job.

Base +18, tomahawk9 +6, GearZeroSky +20, 64DOOD +6, Daenine +13, cybeast93 +22, tostada -6, Refyrsen +11, fap_1_master +6, svartavaggen +7, daretofight +12, sungoer +10, CokoBlop +6

Will update page 5 cuz that's a quick and easy fix.
As for the other stuff, is it jarring enough that you'd recommend I go through the effort of getting someone to proofread and then go ahead and typeset it again?
Honestly, I'm just glad the translation itself isn't being picked apart. Aside from what I've already uploaded I have zero typesetting and editing experience, but my Japanese should be solid, even if I'm a little insecure about not being 100% fluent.

Last edited on 15 April 2023, 23:08.

Base +6, tostada +6, Refyrsen +11, svartavaggen +7, daretofight +12, CokoBlop +6

Nice to see someone attempt to fix this one up.

Adding onto some of Mr_person's comment's, the line breaks are entirely unnecessary and should be ditched.
And to expand on not sticking with Japanese phrases / sentence structure, particularly when it's cut off; it's completely fine to flesh the line out a bit more when translating. To give an example, you can simply say すき in Japanese and it would make sense and be perfectly acceptable but they could be referring to liking the person or what is happening. However, when you say "I love it" in English, "it" often times is not very clear and so you shouldn't feel afraid to make the subject of what they like / love more explicit. You always want to aim for clarity and accuracy with your translation, i.e. conveying the tone and message of the raw text in the simplest and most natural way possible.

The other thing you should watch out for is your flow from one bubble to the next.
On page 7: "Because you don't listen listen to me... And so, I have to punish you"
I know it says だから in the raw but it's completely redundant to do that in English since you already have the "Because" before it. You should always proofread your entire work from start to finish and with the viewpoint of a reader. When you do that, you should be able to pick out parts that are awkward or aren't very clear in their meaning.

Lastly, although very minor, unless it's very stylised, please replace things like !! / !? with ones from the font you are using. It can be very jarring to see those, particularly when it's very obviously a different font. It's very low hanging fruit but adds to the visual consistency of your work. Likewise, you should be cropping useless borders out of pages left from the scanning process. On page 14 there's no need to keep that white border at the top, It's distracting and no one will miss it if you crop it out. This goes for pretty much every page where there is also a bottom white border.

Base +5, tostada -6, Refyrsen +11, Myouren +7, fap_1_master +6, svartavaggen +7, cybeast93 +22, daretofight +12, CokoBlop +6, fenix861 +8

I would like to remind people that I’m the one soliciting feedback.
Mr_Person and Kyuume didn’t have to take the time to review my translation/typesetting/editing job and provide advice. But they very kindly did because I expressed my lack of experience.
Idk if people even really care about comment scores on this site but please don’t downvote them.

It’s nice to know how you can improve.

If it’s not obvious already, I strongly feel that this book deserves a quality translation. And that means quality by the community’s standards and not just my own.

Base +6, svartavaggen +7, daretofight +12, CokoBlop +6, fenix861 +8

Wow, actual female orgasm denial. This is so rare.

Base +6, daretofight +12, ChichoHoarin +6

Yo, I dunno how else to reach out on this site so I'll just throw this here: If you're looking for a proof-reader (for this doujin or future ones), feel free to hit me up on Discord via Katsu#2075 and I'd be glad to help. I also have experience with typesetting and editing, if you need / want someone to help with stuff like aligning text or editing the small sfx bubbles.

Base +6, daretofight +12

@Katsureva
Your offer to help is deeply appreciated!
I’ll let you know when I have the time to go through and do all the sound effects for this one. As for the other books in this series, I probably won’t get started on those until May. And please don’t feel obligated to help now that you’ve offered. Life gets busy, it’s always fine to back out. The offer itself is nice to see!

Also, regarding contacting specific users on this site. There is a way to send someone a direct message through the forms. Personally I don’t mind either way, but just wanted to say in case you or anyone else still wanted to know.

Base +6, daretofight +12