I've had a script finished for this for a while. Just never had the chance to put it on paper.
I'm not gonna point out everything, just wanna give a few examples. Suna's writing is actually pretty hard to grasp when he writes gyarus, so it's understandable. Mei talks like a complete retard at times.
If you want, I can give you my script to compare to.
Page 2 Your TL: Heey, I'm peeing standing up! JP: 見て見て~ほら立ちションのポーズ♥これであってるー?アハッ♥ Intent: Actually, she's saying it LOOKS like she's peeing standing up. She's not actually doing it (hence her surprise when he actually tells her to next line.)
Page 3 Your TL: Let me see your soaking crotch as you blow me! JP: 両手を頭の後ろに組んでワキ見せろ愛依ーいいぞー股もガッシリ開けーフェラで蒸れた股さらせー Intent: It's kinda minor, but here's what he's actually saying: "Show me how wet your pussy's gotten from sucking my cock." There's a causal relation here that you missed (フェラで)
Page 4 Your TL: I'm a pervert gyaru slut who loooves fucking men. JP: 枕ヨユーのドスケベギャルってカンジー?アハッ♥ Intent: You're omitting 枕. She's technically saying she "sleeps her way up". This is a recurring theme in this Mei series.