Ah Gandalf, I wished very much to speak with you about my wife Galadriel. Did I ever tell you about her Gandalf? Once, in a time long forgotten, before the name Celeborn stuck and I was still mockingly called Teleporno, when my hot-wife Galadriel was taking orders from elves thousands of years younger than she was, she found herself in the arms of a man named Halbrand, a man whose heart was as dark as the depths of the abyss and a shaft as hard as mythril.

They were adrift on a ruined boat for two weeks, Gandalf, and in that time, my beloved took him in every way that a woman can take a man. It was a dance of passion, a symphony of desire, a spectacle that would leave even the most stoic of beings in awe.

I was there Gandalf, I was there 3000 years ago, hidden behind every bush, my meat staff at the ready, as I could not resist the urge to pleasure myself at the sight of my beloved in the throes of passion. The sound of her cries of ecstasy, as Halbrand thrust into her with the fervor of a rogue Maia, was a melody that I shall never forget.

As they were rescued by the Númenorians, I clung to the boat with all my might, not for the sake of my own life, but for the chance to witness the continuation of their passionate affair. I disguised myself as a prison guard, and there, in the dimly lit cell, I saw my beloved locked in an embrace with Halbrand, their bodies entwined in a dance of desire that would leave even the most jaded of souls breathless. Even when she discovered the true identity of her lover, the dark lord Sauron, she could not resist the pull of his touch. And so, I pleasured myself, my love for her spilling forth in a torrent of passion that would fill a bathtub, if I must be so crude as to quantify it.

And now, Gandalf, I come to thee with a heavy heart, for those years have awakened something in my beloved. Her desires have mutated into something else, something I fear. She even took Frodo to bed, if the human called John Boorman is to be believed.

You have not seen what I have seen, Gandalf. There is a tempest in her, a tempest of semen.

And she was a good friend.

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