Certainly not that bad for a first time, and while it does seem more like a fanfiction story turned doujin, I can appreciate it. So hope you make more and welcome to the internet.

Base +9, lordathe +6, Fierva +9

Artists HF: http://www.hentai-foundry.com/user/PervyViper/profile

Base +13

For you first doujin you did OK. The story and dialogue were fine. But you should work on drawing female faces in a more feminine way. To me it looked like Kuukaku and Soifon had the same face of a youthful man with black hair. Also, Kuukaku's breasts are meant to be almost as big as Rangiku's :)

Base +6, Fierva +9