Really bad first attempt a translated if you can make it better pleases help yourself

Thanks for the translation. However, if you don't mind me holding back, the following will be just criticism:

First letter capitalisation, a few spelling mistakes, text overspilling both left and right of text box, and...white text on bright green text box. At least proofread the translation you did. Or use a spellchecker, if you were aware that you were weak with the grammar. But at least it's readable and understandable. A more careful placement of words, and not putting white text on light green text box (see page 2) would be nice, as they were the most detracting. Having to squint or zoom into the textbox to read it...yeah...

Sorry for posting criticism rather than praise on this - I'm not a fan of it, myself. But I thought I'd at least say some things, and that despite it being flawed, it's probably better than machine-translated. I'm thankful it doesn't look that way - at least effort was made, so might as well give some constructive criticism.

Base +5, kikimaru024 +11, @43883 +27, stupid army +7, crazymagic +11, KleberM +7, Jay Low +12, SAXtrad +9, wehasband +3, banditsoul +6, Cnby +5, Taka at work +5, platzbo +6, and 13 more...

So is she Mexican?

Biggest problem is by far the fucking atrocious font.

Go crazy. Literally.
http://www.1001fonts.com/anime-ace-font.html

Base +8, stupid army +7, wehasband -3, neregate555 +6, Huy +6, DarkMel +5, jfragrettel +7

Page 21- Twin shit tails? I have a feeling it could just be an after image to show movement, but even the camera on the guys phone captured two. Either she's whipping that thing side the side or she has the ability to split it.

Base +7

This was wild from beginning to end

Base +6, marcellus345 +6, jfragrettel +7

http://www.doujinshi.org/book/501873/Nyou-wo-Kakeru-Shoujo/

Base +21, jfragrettel +7

Like the band Gorilla Biscuits always said, "Start Today"...

Page numbers based on filenames.
Corrective legend:

> = transform the speech before into the speech after.
Text inside the pipes is corrected for spelling, capitalization, punctuation and grammar.

03: Toilet's? > Toilets? A game in the toilet (period or question mark)
04: I Cant Believe it > I can't believe it! 5: |It's a device| |But it is only found in the men's room apparently.| |I just have to try it.|

This is going to take a little more time than anticipated; will resume the fixing tomorrow. Cheers for now. :D

Base +26, jfragrettel +7

Why do the men in these type of stories have to look like zombies?

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I was planning on working on a translation by working with the French version (/g/502127/e46caeec5d/). Though if dnbdave has already started on one, I may not.

Does anyone know what programme that the anime ace font works with? Is it Photoshop?

Base +6

one of the worst translations ever!!! if english isnt your "mothertongue",then dont do it!!!

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Beautiful story from start to finish.

Base +6, nasilacus +6

wtf? is this

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I recall when I was in college back to 2008, I wrote mini game for those urinals.

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