There are two translations of this doujinshi. /g/99033/a0ad8fbc88/ has better phrasing. But in my opinion, the awkwardness of this one makes the thing as a whole more fun. Like saying "nipple and the area around the nipple" instead of areola. I'm a fan of funny ways to interpret things, as long as they're more or less correct. A certain Sekirei doujin did the same thing, making Tsukiumi talk in a proper Olde English way.
As always by this particular artist of circle AXZ, the artwork is stellar. It looks like pencil-drawing without too much work, but he's able to create some fantastic shades like that. The expressive nature of the faces and the way he draws bodies definitely makes him the only artist in that circle I give two shits about.