https://www.melonbooks.co.jp/detail/detail.php?product_id=2087670

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Appreciate the translation. It’s been a while since I read the original, so I’m afraid I can’t comment on TL quality. But damn, I still love that afterward, even a year later.

EDIT

Okay, got the chance to compare it to the original, got a bit of feedback for you! Warning: this is a little long.

First off, nice work. On the whole, you get the gist of the story across. Nothing weird like untranslated bubbles, flat-out wrong translations, or any of the other problems I see plaguing bad uploads. Most of the stuff I see is just like you said—rough edges. Think things like the ‘mimick’ typo on page 8 (should be mimic). Another small one is on page 5, where she says きもひいい instead of きもちいい. In the translation, we lost that muffled speech. (So maybe instead of “Does it feel good?”, try something like “Does ith feel good?”) Anyway, I don’t want to focus much on this—again, it’s minor, but it’s also proofreader stuff. This stuff is really easy to miss, especially on a first translation. So again, nice work.

Here’s the moderate issue, which is harder to describe: the mood. Most of the translated sentences get the gist across in isolation, but miss in overall tone. Okay? What does that even mean? Let me explain through example.

We’re going to start by building up to page 9, looking at the Japanese version. Most of what Ayumu’s said up to this point emphasizes how nervous she is—some from shyness, some from her painful first experience. That’s a big part of why she initially only offers a little bit—a bit of kissing, a euphemistic ‘もう少し一緒に居てもいい？” that doesn’t promise anything except possibility. She’s still scared. But she also shows that she wants to go further herself, and face those fears. It’s not forced by the guy in the situation—she’s the driving force, despite her fears. It all builds up to her internal resolution to steel herself and face her fears on page 8.

So then we get page 9. Even after that internal resolution, she still struggles to get the words out. She starts with a hesitant “. . . . . .”, but then manages to force her words out: “してもいいですよ。“ Short, still very euphemistic, but definite. But even where her words fell short, her open clothes and that condom make her message loud and clear. And despite her fears, she manages to force a よ out at the very end! Oh, she’s still terrified, but she still wants to do it so badly, she’s forcing herself to be brave. That gap is amazing. I love seeing her bravery win out. The guy in the story obviously thinks so too. Once she does that, he can no longer hold himself back, takes his first real action in the doujin strips her panties off, and fucks her, all on the next page. Her proclamation is THE big inflection point. (It fits the title too: 秘密の開花宣言。)

The problem is, the translation loses a lot of that mood. Let’s start with Ayumu’s offer to kiss on page 4. The original Japanese, “キス。。。とか。。。する？“ really conveys so much hesitation and timidity. The translation goes with “Maybe we could kiss…? Instead?” This really loses out on the sheer hesitation in her words, and her struggle to even finish the sentence. It sounds more like she’s asking the guy if he’s willing to accept *just* kissing. We miss out on her tiny steps forward, trying to face her fears after a difficult first experience. (Oh, this gets at one of the few true errors in this translation: we miss out on how とか suggests the possibility of more. There aren’t a lot of true translation errors like this, though.)

And that kind of continues for the rest of the story. Ayumu’s words on page 9 don’t really feel like hesitant words of a scared girl who’s overcoming her fears; they just sound like she decided to give him permission. When she loses herself in the sex and talks about marrying him, we don’t see that huge gap between her ‘scared of sex’ side and her ‘complete lust monster’. We still get a really hot book (toyasu aina is so good), but we lose some of what makes it really special. We kind of leave wondering, “Well, what made their second time so special that it was worth illustrating?”

Okay, that might have been tough to swallow, but there’s good news: Most of this is pretty simple to fix. You’re 90%, maybe 95% of the way there. Most of the lines, with a couple of exceptions, are faithful to the original Japanese version. (This is also why I said “Nice work”, by the way. Even though I’m overly focused on the translation’s weaknesses right now, I really meant what I said earlier—you did a good job. I’m just shit at expressing that. :/ ) The main thing left is getting the English to line up with the mood better. Some of Ayumu’s sentences can be shortened, they can show more of her hesitation, keep her focus on her own insecurities instead of considering the guy’s feelings, that kind of stuff. This will also improve the clarity of the entire translation. Mood does a lot of heavy lifting for filling in context. A few confusing lines will be cleared up when Ayumu’s acting more consistently. Plus, the meaning of the title (秘密の開花宣言) will become more obvious.

Anyway, that’s my main feedback. I enjoyed reading it a ton (I really wish there were more toyasu aina translations), and, uhhh, enjoyed more than just reading it. (Hey, gotta stay in character, keep it euphemistic, like Ayumu!) I know I focused heavily on what needs improvement rather than what you did well (I am really bad at this), but I think you’re on solid footing for translating stuff. Most of those rough edges will smooth out with practice. Once you pull that off, I’m looking forward to seeing your 開花宣言 as a translator!

Last edited on 25 November 2024, 22:49.

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